I have recently started postgraduate school, well not recently, about a month ago but it feels like a lifetime ago.
I loved how excited I was about the new journey, its online school so I was relived that I don’t have to make new friends, because hey anxiety is still a prominent thing in my life. But that is a chat for another day actually.
But even though I was so excited for the new day and new journey I was very overwhelmed and very anxious and i was consumed by imposter syndrome. I just couldn’t put my finger on why I felt that way all of a sudden and that resulted to me procrastinating and just ignoring parts of my life and I just started sprawling out of control and I did this for weeks on end, and it became a pattern.
In most cases I even felt so bad for not being grateful for this chance, I felt so bad for feeling normal emotions. I did not understand that I can be blessed and still feel so sad about other things going bad in my life or I can be sad because I feel as though I can feel life just closing in on me.
And I continued to feel bad for myself and continued to neglect myself, my relationships and my academics. I actually don’t really know why I’m writing this blog because I haven’t been able to write any readable for moths now, but wait where was I? oh, neglecting.
Yes, I started neglecting myself, my family, my social media and just anything that makes me happy and that is when I realised that I was actually just having depressive episodes after depressive episode.
I have not been fully been able to recover from my depression for years now, I still have lingering episodes here and there but every time I feel them they feel all so new. It feels like its my first time crying, crying until my chest hurts..it all feels brand new, and I can never ever get over it or learn how it feels.
I actually don’t have the words to describe how tired and emotionally drained I am, I am tired of waking up everyday and fighting a million negative thoughts. It just gets tiring just going through another day.
Oh now I have figured out why I wrote this blog lmao, I am exhausted. I am vulnerable, I am miserable and I have no will to live but funny enough I still want to try again. Funny isn’t it, I want to TRY. I want to try to smile at least once a day, I want to try have and amazing conversation with somebody once a day, ohhhhhhh I also want to try challenge myself to a vacation without my anxiety getting to me, pllleeeaaasseee! I want to try.
And if you feel like me in this post, lets try? please lets try and live? we deserve to live just like everybody else, oh we deserve a beautiful soft life where everything makes sense and the pain no longer lingers because we have conquered that pain that has been holding us back, lets try.